The Old Timey Times Almanack & Handbooke

The ultimate Handbooke, Almanack, and Encyclopedia for all things Old Timey. Please enjoy with safety, as it is old and could as easily crumble in your hands and cut them with merciless Prussian efficiency.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

A Well-Waxed Moustache Will Never Let You Down


There’s nothing like listening to a barbershop quartet. Since the dawn of time, there have been four men who sing in approximate harmony whist appearing in the dapperest and oldtimiest of fashions. These singing groups have also been known to venture outside of barbershops and don their matching vests and arm garters in places such as:

  • The county fair
  • A Bar mitzvah
  • 50th wedding anniversaries
  • Foxwoods Resort and Casino
  • My meat cellar

Although the art of the song/haircut combination is fading from our modern landscape…some things never should.

Those things are a well-waxed moustache.

It can save your tail in many a sticky situation. Just ask Horatio Moustachio, the fashions founder:

“Sure, sure, a moustache needs to be waxed. It’s only right. How else will it get that sheen? You might as well be an animal. You might as well be a weasel for Christ’s sake. Even weasels wax their moustaches.”

If anyone knows, it’s Mr. Moustachio. Toting a moustache well over two feet wide, he can attest to the necessity of proper moustache care. His pet weasel, Montgomery also seems to don a tiny and well-maintained whiskerstache. Moustachio is quite perturbed by the lack of wax on the modern moustache.

“Holy crap. What’s wrong with everyone’s moustache?” he seems to say with every displeased glance at a nude or unkempt upper lip.

Luckily, one group of people has kept up with their moustache maintenance and that is the barbershop quartet community. Perhaps it is because they spend a considerable amount of time in barbershops, they always appear well groomed and appropriately waxed. This double whammy of old timey has propelled the B.S.Q. community into the realm of Old Timey Extrordinaire. The quartet, Phil’s Harmonic had this to say about the subject in perfect four-part harmony:

“Hello…hello…hello…how ya doin?

Thanks for the tip is super swell

Hey Phil, what is that musky smell?

It’s the waxed moustache right under my nose

One must be careful about the way it grows.

Keep it combed and keep it nice

Pick out the chili and the rice

Sing in fours and not in fives

Because that’s how we all met our wiiiiives!”

Friday, January 27, 2006

Presenting...Rickets!



Rickets is a disease caused by a lack of various nutrients, tonics, or salves containing Vitamin Otto Van Bismarck, High Chancellor of Germany (or Vitamin D, in its shortened form.) The first recorded case of Saddle Shoe (as it was first called) was in an eastern corner of Alsace. The Abbe Vischy, following a six month cloister where he pondered the nature of turnips, rutabagas, and the current vole scourge, was remarked to have “legges of an ill-reputed lass, curved and bulging as a King’s gout-ridden spine”[1] Bowlegged-ness is one of the myriad symptoms of rickets, along with gelatin-like bone consistency and chronic vole pondering. The Abbe was immediately put under a strict regiment of poultices and witch stews, which unfortunately resulted in even more cases of rickets. A tired man, aged sixty five, the Abbe succumbed to his illness on May the 11th, which has since been known in Alsace as the kick off to the month-long Rutabaga Roundelay.

Rickets is decidedly old-timey in its ability to both render its victim dead and comically deformed. Who hasn’t chuckled at a ricketian’s jilting, rounded gait as they make their way, ever so slowly, down the boulevard? Or at their complete inability to hold an ice cream cone or riding crop? Soft, squishy bone consistency has always been the most hilarious ailment, followed closely by Fish Monger’s Eye and Neapolitan Taint. However, certain, perhaps more warm-hearted scholars, have questioned society’s innate tendency to laugh at these poor souls stricken with Saddle Shoe. Are we not, they argue, all guilty of some deficiency? Whether it be floppy bone or booze-addled brain, is some brand of suffering not the most universal of human experiences? Well, let this Alamanack set the record straight: these scholars are wrong. Bowlegged-ness is always worthy of ridicule and derision, no matter that the laughing party has a cauliflowered ear or a withered and useless clubbed-foot. The Abbe Vischy would be the first to tell you: having the leg diameter of the town whore (in Alsace her name was Vivienne Du Le Chien, and she had a slight hump) is funnier than a herd of voles gorging themselves on carefully poisoned turnips. Which, according to the Abbe’s diary, discovered many years later in his private study, under a pile of used poultices and small, yet haunting paintings of the Belgian seaside, was both a “Hoot” and a “Holler.”

[1] For more on Gout, or “The Meat Lover’s Maladie,” please await an upcoming post.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Welcome to the Alamanack!



Greetings and Salutations! By popular demand, we've decided to create a website to enliven and promote the art of remembering the old timey times. Officially, "old timey" describes anything created, invented, discovered, born or developed between the years 1743 and 1956. This includes but is not limited to:

1) Bicycles with an enormous front wheel and a teeny, tiny little back wheel (See Above)
2) Stripey knee-length Coney Island-style bathing costumes
3) Phrenology
4) President Taft
5) The phrase, "Hello Heathcliff, how's your old straw hat?"

Although we do not necessarily condone the use of computers, we felt that creating a blog on our mimeograph would be a little less effective. If you have any questions about the legion of facts we shall present to you, there is a place where you can leave Queries. Thank you, and enjoy the site.

Cordially yours;

Richard Lawson and Crystal Gomes
Self-proclaimed Proffessors of the Decidedly Old Timey