The Old Timey Times Almanack & Handbooke

The ultimate Handbooke, Almanack, and Encyclopedia for all things Old Timey. Please enjoy with safety, as it is old and could as easily crumble in your hands and cut them with merciless Prussian efficiency.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Old Timey Times Household Tips: The Difference Between a Tom Collins and a Harvey Wallbanger

One may have enjoyed or is at least vaguely familiar with the old timey taste of the cocktails Tom Collins and Harvey Wallbanger. One may not know about the two illusive gentlemen from whence these tasty cocktails derive their names. I’ve laid out some facts about Messrs Collins and Wallbanger in the instance that you find yourself with one of these drinks in your hand, but nothing to say. I’ve often used this information coupled with smoking jackets or croquet mallets with mixed results.

  • A Tom Collins contains gin; a Harvey Wallbanger contains vodka, but both men preferred Old Granddaddy Whiskey.
  • Although a Harvey Wallbanger contains the fancy liqueur Galliano, Harvey himself never liked Italians. The entire Wallbanger family has been feuding with the Gallianos ever since the Great Ice Cube Slinging of 1804. In a related issue, the Collins family doesn’t really mind the Gallianos, but the Gallianos think that the Collinses act like nincompoops.
  • Tom Collins lived an entire month solely on Maraschino cherries.
  • Harvey Wallbanger and Tom Collins went to a one room school house together in New Hampshire for twelve years, yet they never met.
  • Harvey Wallbanger’s wife, Mrs. Henrietta Wallbanger was a renowned harpsichordist and kept her harpsichord in the kitchen so that during rehearsals she could more easily drink the cocktail that bore her husbands name.
  • Tom Collins died a lifelong bachelor, although it was said that he lived most of his life with a life-sized cardboard likeness of Henrietta Wallbanger.
  • President Eisenhower was planning on awarding the Congressional Medal of Honor to Tom Collins for innovations in bar keeping, but changed his mind after Richard Nixon slapped him silly.
  • Harvey Wallbanger never once banged on a wall.

Hopefully this proves useful.