Old Timey Names Explored
What’s in a name you may ask? Well, we here at Old Timey Times say “Everything.” Presented below is a list of old timey names and their various associations. Please enjoy them respectfully.
Horace: The ancient Egyptian god of the underworld. This name should be given to fellows of stout and noble nature, with pronounced mutton chop hairdo style, and strange aversions to either longshoremen or cats named Nellie.
Gertrude: French in origin. Gertrudes are often plain faced ladies, full of contradictions and retained water. Gertrudes are generally librarians or proud and priggish mothers of three living in downtowne
Clyde: Derived from the old Saxon adage: “
Ethel: Derived from Archie comics. Ethels, as immortalized by said comics, generally play a big-toothed, vaguely sad, supporting character in the typical person’s life. Should one be forced to promenade with an Ethel, it is wise to avoid discussing Hoof and Mouth disease, the term “brick-a-brack,” or the color blue. Should you incur an Ethel’s wrath, simply lie down on the ground, feign death, a quietly hum “Shuffle Off to
Lord Dingsleydon: Since there is only one recorded Lord Dingsleydon, it is a safe assumption that any Lord Dingsleydon will be a four foote, eight inch barrister who speaks in soft, elegiac iambs and carries a small framed daguerreotype of Chief Sitting Bull giving Susan B. Anthony “rabbit ears.” It is also a safe assumption that any Lord Dingsleydon will die at 38, drunk and happy, after sustaining multiple injuries on the archery range.
Sally Bojangles: This is an ancient Sumatran name meaning “Sally Bojangles.” A young lady named Sally Bojangles will often bemoan the nature of hoop skirts and sun parasols. Two hours later, she will feel remorse for her outrageous musings, and take to sulking on the porch swing for some time. Best served with a side of mint jelly and parsnip juice.
Barnabus: Derived from the popular television series “Dark Shadows.” Few know that in 1754 several adventurous Viennese scientists traveled through time to the late 1960’s, spent most of their time eating stale popcorn and watching television, and returned only with an early Janis Ian EP and the name Barnabus. Most Barnabuses are genial, quiet fellows, who are only occasionally prone to fits of vampirism. Barnabuses generally only respond to the name “Hector” and often smell of aged
Hyacinth: Derived from some kind of flower. Rough, brooding creatures, Hyacinths have always been rare and intriguing, at first existing only in the Dutch alps (which mysteriously disappeared with little fanfare in 1902.) One famous Hyacinth, the Baroness Hyacinth Du Chat, was known to speak backwards, much to the confusion and delight of her dinner guests. There have been only three Hyacinth spottings since the Baroness’ death, and the only documentation of said encounters are fuzzy photographs showing a tall, loping figure chewing on a piece of bamboo. Should a Hyacinth be encountered, Old Timey Times recommends prayer and honest repentance.
We hope you’ve enjoyed our list of old timey names. As with every other fact listed in this Almanack, we hope that you use them carefully and discerningly.