The Old Timey Times Almanack & Handbooke

The ultimate Handbooke, Almanack, and Encyclopedia for all things Old Timey. Please enjoy with safety, as it is old and could as easily crumble in your hands and cut them with merciless Prussian efficiency.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Old Timey Times Household Tips: The Difference Between a Tom Collins and a Harvey Wallbanger

One may have enjoyed or is at least vaguely familiar with the old timey taste of the cocktails Tom Collins and Harvey Wallbanger. One may not know about the two illusive gentlemen from whence these tasty cocktails derive their names. I’ve laid out some facts about Messrs Collins and Wallbanger in the instance that you find yourself with one of these drinks in your hand, but nothing to say. I’ve often used this information coupled with smoking jackets or croquet mallets with mixed results.

  • A Tom Collins contains gin; a Harvey Wallbanger contains vodka, but both men preferred Old Granddaddy Whiskey.
  • Although a Harvey Wallbanger contains the fancy liqueur Galliano, Harvey himself never liked Italians. The entire Wallbanger family has been feuding with the Gallianos ever since the Great Ice Cube Slinging of 1804. In a related issue, the Collins family doesn’t really mind the Gallianos, but the Gallianos think that the Collinses act like nincompoops.
  • Tom Collins lived an entire month solely on Maraschino cherries.
  • Harvey Wallbanger and Tom Collins went to a one room school house together in New Hampshire for twelve years, yet they never met.
  • Harvey Wallbanger’s wife, Mrs. Henrietta Wallbanger was a renowned harpsichordist and kept her harpsichord in the kitchen so that during rehearsals she could more easily drink the cocktail that bore her husbands name.
  • Tom Collins died a lifelong bachelor, although it was said that he lived most of his life with a life-sized cardboard likeness of Henrietta Wallbanger.
  • President Eisenhower was planning on awarding the Congressional Medal of Honor to Tom Collins for innovations in bar keeping, but changed his mind after Richard Nixon slapped him silly.
  • Harvey Wallbanger never once banged on a wall.

Hopefully this proves useful.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Old Timey Names Explored

What’s in a name you may ask? Well, we here at Old Timey Times say “Everything.” Presented below is a list of old timey names and their various associations. Please enjoy them respectfully.

Horace: The ancient Egyptian god of the underworld. This name should be given to fellows of stout and noble nature, with pronounced mutton chop hairdo style, and strange aversions to either longshoremen or cats named Nellie.

Gertrude: French in origin. Gertrudes are often plain faced ladies, full of contradictions and retained water. Gertrudes are generally librarians or proud and priggish mothers of three living in downtowne Delaware. One should never approach a Gertrude directly from the front, but should rather amble up from the side, bowing one’s head, and presenting a gift basket full of salted haddock and baby’s bonnets.

Clyde: Derived from the old Saxon adage: “Clyde ess ben nich taugh.” Meaning “A dead horse is considerably less effective than a live and galloping one.” Clydes are generally wild haired and described by many as “fancy free.” Should one approach a Clyde in a dark alley or deserted country trail, one should always present their Confederate identification tags and speak only when spoken to. Clydes are notoriously known for their love of one-legged Swedish typists and ancient runic figurines.

Ethel: Derived from Archie comics. Ethels, as immortalized by said comics, generally play a big-toothed, vaguely sad, supporting character in the typical person’s life. Should one be forced to promenade with an Ethel, it is wise to avoid discussing Hoof and Mouth disease, the term “brick-a-brack,” or the color blue. Should you incur an Ethel’s wrath, simply lie down on the ground, feign death, a quietly hum “Shuffle Off to Buffalo.”

Chester: As per an edict from President Chester A. Arthur, the name Chester has been wrapped in swaddling cloth and hidden in the secret vault under Mt. Rushmore. It will be unearthed in December of 2068, and closely studied to see what nutrients can be extracted from it, in hopes of finding a cure for Ethelism.

Lord Dingsleydon: Since there is only one recorded Lord Dingsleydon, it is a safe assumption that any Lord Dingsleydon will be a four foote, eight inch barrister who speaks in soft, elegiac iambs and carries a small framed daguerreotype of Chief Sitting Bull giving Susan B. Anthony “rabbit ears.” It is also a safe assumption that any Lord Dingsleydon will die at 38, drunk and happy, after sustaining multiple injuries on the archery range.

Sally Bojangles: This is an ancient Sumatran name meaning “Sally Bojangles.” A young lady named Sally Bojangles will often bemoan the nature of hoop skirts and sun parasols. Two hours later, she will feel remorse for her outrageous musings, and take to sulking on the porch swing for some time. Best served with a side of mint jelly and parsnip juice.

Barnabus: Derived from the popular television series “Dark Shadows.” Few know that in 1754 several adventurous Viennese scientists traveled through time to the late 1960’s, spent most of their time eating stale popcorn and watching television, and returned only with an early Janis Ian EP and the name Barnabus. Most Barnabuses are genial, quiet fellows, who are only occasionally prone to fits of vampirism. Barnabuses generally only respond to the name “Hector” and often smell of aged Edam cheese and virgins’ blood.

Hyacinth: Derived from some kind of flower. Rough, brooding creatures, Hyacinths have always been rare and intriguing, at first existing only in the Dutch alps (which mysteriously disappeared with little fanfare in 1902.) One famous Hyacinth, the Baroness Hyacinth Du Chat, was known to speak backwards, much to the confusion and delight of her dinner guests. There have been only three Hyacinth spottings since the Baroness’ death, and the only documentation of said encounters are fuzzy photographs showing a tall, loping figure chewing on a piece of bamboo. Should a Hyacinth be encountered, Old Timey Times recommends prayer and honest repentance.

We hope you’ve enjoyed our list of old timey names. As with every other fact listed in this Almanack, we hope that you use them carefully and discerningly.