The Old Timey Times Almanack & Handbooke

The ultimate Handbooke, Almanack, and Encyclopedia for all things Old Timey. Please enjoy with safety, as it is old and could as easily crumble in your hands and cut them with merciless Prussian efficiency.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

A Well-Waxed Moustache Will Never Let You Down


There’s nothing like listening to a barbershop quartet. Since the dawn of time, there have been four men who sing in approximate harmony whist appearing in the dapperest and oldtimiest of fashions. These singing groups have also been known to venture outside of barbershops and don their matching vests and arm garters in places such as:

  • The county fair
  • A Bar mitzvah
  • 50th wedding anniversaries
  • Foxwoods Resort and Casino
  • My meat cellar

Although the art of the song/haircut combination is fading from our modern landscape…some things never should.

Those things are a well-waxed moustache.

It can save your tail in many a sticky situation. Just ask Horatio Moustachio, the fashions founder:

“Sure, sure, a moustache needs to be waxed. It’s only right. How else will it get that sheen? You might as well be an animal. You might as well be a weasel for Christ’s sake. Even weasels wax their moustaches.”

If anyone knows, it’s Mr. Moustachio. Toting a moustache well over two feet wide, he can attest to the necessity of proper moustache care. His pet weasel, Montgomery also seems to don a tiny and well-maintained whiskerstache. Moustachio is quite perturbed by the lack of wax on the modern moustache.

“Holy crap. What’s wrong with everyone’s moustache?” he seems to say with every displeased glance at a nude or unkempt upper lip.

Luckily, one group of people has kept up with their moustache maintenance and that is the barbershop quartet community. Perhaps it is because they spend a considerable amount of time in barbershops, they always appear well groomed and appropriately waxed. This double whammy of old timey has propelled the B.S.Q. community into the realm of Old Timey Extrordinaire. The quartet, Phil’s Harmonic had this to say about the subject in perfect four-part harmony:

“Hello…hello…hello…how ya doin?

Thanks for the tip is super swell

Hey Phil, what is that musky smell?

It’s the waxed moustache right under my nose

One must be careful about the way it grows.

Keep it combed and keep it nice

Pick out the chili and the rice

Sing in fours and not in fives

Because that’s how we all met our wiiiiives!”