Old Timey Times Game!
The ultimate Handbooke, Almanack, and Encyclopedia for all things Old Timey. Please enjoy with safety, as it is old and could as easily crumble in your hands and cut them with merciless Prussian efficiency.
One may have enjoyed or is at least vaguely familiar with the old timey taste of the cocktails Tom Collins and Harvey Wallbanger. One may not know about the two illusive gentlemen from whence these tasty cocktails derive their names. I’ve laid out some facts about Messrs Collins and Wallbanger in the instance that you find yourself with one of these drinks in your hand, but nothing to say. I’ve often used this information coupled with smoking jackets or croquet mallets with mixed results.
Hopefully this proves useful.
What’s in a name you may ask? Well, we here at Old Timey Times say “Everything.” Presented below is a list of old timey names and their various associations. Please enjoy them respectfully.
Horace: The ancient Egyptian god of the underworld. This name should be given to fellows of stout and noble nature, with pronounced mutton chop hairdo style, and strange aversions to either longshoremen or cats named Nellie.
Gertrude: French in origin. Gertrudes are often plain faced ladies, full of contradictions and retained water. Gertrudes are generally librarians or proud and priggish mothers of three living in downtowne
Clyde: Derived from the old Saxon adage: “
Ethel: Derived from Archie comics. Ethels, as immortalized by said comics, generally play a big-toothed, vaguely sad, supporting character in the typical person’s life. Should one be forced to promenade with an Ethel, it is wise to avoid discussing Hoof and Mouth disease, the term “brick-a-brack,” or the color blue. Should you incur an Ethel’s wrath, simply lie down on the ground, feign death, a quietly hum “Shuffle Off to
Lord Dingsleydon: Since there is only one recorded Lord Dingsleydon, it is a safe assumption that any Lord Dingsleydon will be a four foote, eight inch barrister who speaks in soft, elegiac iambs and carries a small framed daguerreotype of Chief Sitting Bull giving Susan B. Anthony “rabbit ears.” It is also a safe assumption that any Lord Dingsleydon will die at 38, drunk and happy, after sustaining multiple injuries on the archery range.
Sally Bojangles: This is an ancient Sumatran name meaning “Sally Bojangles.” A young lady named Sally Bojangles will often bemoan the nature of hoop skirts and sun parasols. Two hours later, she will feel remorse for her outrageous musings, and take to sulking on the porch swing for some time. Best served with a side of mint jelly and parsnip juice.
Barnabus: Derived from the popular television series “Dark Shadows.” Few know that in 1754 several adventurous Viennese scientists traveled through time to the late 1960’s, spent most of their time eating stale popcorn and watching television, and returned only with an early Janis Ian EP and the name Barnabus. Most Barnabuses are genial, quiet fellows, who are only occasionally prone to fits of vampirism. Barnabuses generally only respond to the name “Hector” and often smell of aged
Hyacinth: Derived from some kind of flower. Rough, brooding creatures, Hyacinths have always been rare and intriguing, at first existing only in the Dutch alps (which mysteriously disappeared with little fanfare in 1902.) One famous Hyacinth, the Baroness Hyacinth Du Chat, was known to speak backwards, much to the confusion and delight of her dinner guests. There have been only three Hyacinth spottings since the Baroness’ death, and the only documentation of said encounters are fuzzy photographs showing a tall, loping figure chewing on a piece of bamboo. Should a Hyacinth be encountered, Old Timey Times recommends prayer and honest repentance.
We hope you’ve enjoyed our list of old timey names. As with every other fact listed in this Almanack, we hope that you use them carefully and discerningly.
There’s nothing like listening to a barbershop quartet. Since the dawn of time, there have been four men who sing in approximate harmony whist appearing in the dapperest and oldtimiest of fashions. These singing groups have also been known to venture outside of barbershops and don their matching vests and arm garters in places such as:
Although the art of the song/haircut combination is fading from our modern landscape…some things never should.
Those things are a well-waxed moustache.
It can save your tail in many a sticky situation. Just ask Horatio Moustachio, the fashions founder:
“Sure, sure, a moustache needs to be waxed. It’s only right. How else will it get that sheen? You might as well be an animal. You might as well be a weasel for Christ’s sake. Even weasels wax their moustaches.”
If anyone knows, it’s Mr. Moustachio. Toting a moustache well over two feet wide, he can attest to the necessity of proper moustache care. His pet weasel, Montgomery also seems to don a tiny and well-maintained whiskerstache. Moustachio is quite perturbed by the lack of wax on the modern moustache.
“Holy crap. What’s wrong with everyone’s moustache?” he seems to say with every displeased glance at a nude or unkempt upper lip.
Luckily, one group of people has kept up with their moustache maintenance and that is the barbershop quartet community. Perhaps it is because they spend a considerable amount of time in barbershops, they always appear well groomed and appropriately waxed. This double whammy of old timey has propelled the B.S.Q. community into the realm of Old Timey Extrordinaire. The quartet, Phil’s Harmonic had this to say about the subject in perfect four-part harmony:
“Hello…hello…hello…how ya doin?
Thanks for the tip is super swell
Hey Phil, what is that musky smell?
It’s the waxed moustache right under my nose
One must be careful about the way it grows.
Keep it combed and keep it nice
Pick out the chili and the rice
Sing in fours and not in fives
Because that’s how we all met our wiiiiives!”